FOUR-WHEELER
My heart was set
on purchasing that four-wheel scooter specially designed for handicapped riders
– the perfect vehicle for riding these city roads. With advancing age, I am
losing my equilibrium on all fronts and that vehicle symbolised stability. What
better way to negotiate the craters that dot our moonscape. Up and down and
away I go!
So I put it to
the First Lady. The direct approach is the best approach. No point in beating about
the bush. She said, “I know that you have lost your mind! No need to advertise
that fact to the whole world!” Not very encouraging words, ladies and
gentlemen, my spouse! At least she did not threaten me with divorce but that is
because after all these years, where will she go?
She, in turn,
put it to the boys. They, in turn, were appalled, aghast and threatened to
disown me. “We will have nothing to do with you! What will people say?” said
the gentlemen who live in my house without paying rent, eat my food, drink my
beer and think that I am a walking ATM! “Well all I am buying is a four-wheeler
albeit meant for the handicapped but all I want to do is get from Point A to
Point B! I am not buying some tacky, hideous monstrosity on eBay! It’s not like
I am buying a piece of toast with some vague religious image for a small
fortune.” “Be that as it may, think about us. What will our friends say?” they cried.
I retreated for
the time being but the idea just would not go away. This status business was
getting me down. “What will our friends say? What will society say?” I did not
care! Honestly. And then I decided to go to my two friends, Pooja and Lillian
at the office. As these ladies appear for the first time in my written word,
they need an introduction. These ladies are not just ladies. They are tough
young birds and they are my bodyguards! No, they are more than bodyguards. They
guard me against agitating employees, disobedient vendors and nagging hunger
pangs! They put up with my rants and raves, my screaming and tearing of hair!
But they are no gentle ladies! They can dispense threats with a smile (have you
had your lunch?) that would make a four-year old run for cover and they can
give younger guys a run for their money when it comes to marital advice besides
describing with precision what women want!
Despite being
all that, I was sure that I could depend on them for support, these are my
friends. They were my rocks and like Peter upon these rocks my belief was
built! I placed my intentions before this Board and expected the resolution to
be passed unanimously. I was wrong, so wrong. My intentions were greeted with
stunned silence. Pooja checked my pulse and wondered when I last checked my
blood pressure. Lillian gave me that withering look that she reserves for her
son when he has been very, very naughty. She was flabbergasted and
disappointed. “No, no, you buy a car, sir!” she cried. “And please do not buy a
Nano, buy an Alto.” I was relieved. At least she did not say “flaming red
Ferrari”.
So in the end
status is everything. When one is young whatever one does embarrasses one’s
family. When one is older whatever one does embarrasses the whole world! Everyone
knows what is best for you, everyone has a pretty picture of you in their minds.
But the idea would not just go away. It kept running around my brain like a
Bollywood hero running around trees chasing his elusive heroine. I was
determined to get on with it and purchase my beloved four-wheeler.
Except that
there was an unexpected development that made me drop my plans. My maid got
wind of my intentions and she declared that she would leave my employ. “Main
naukri chodke chale jaoongi!” or something to that effect not necessarily in
chaste Hindi. That was the last straw! In this city you cannot let that happen.
Now you can earn
the displeasure of your family, you can earn the displeasure of your friends
but you can never ever afford to earn the displeasure of your maid. Or pleasure
for that matter.
Even minor
celebrities who have paid dearly for their passion play would attest to that!
