FOUR-WHEELER

FOUR-WHEELER

My heart was set on purchasing that four-wheel scooter specially designed for handicapped riders – the perfect vehicle for riding these city roads. With advancing age, I am losing my equilibrium on all fronts and that vehicle symbolised stability. What better way to negotiate the craters that dot our moonscape. Up and down and away I go!

So I put it to the First Lady. The direct approach is the best approach. No point in beating about the bush. She said, “I know that you have lost your mind! No need to advertise that fact to the whole world!” Not very encouraging words, ladies and gentlemen, my spouse! At least she did not threaten me with divorce but that is because after all these years, where will she go?

She, in turn, put it to the boys. They, in turn, were appalled, aghast and threatened to disown me. “We will have nothing to do with you! What will people say?” said the gentlemen who live in my house without paying rent, eat my food, drink my beer and think that I am a walking ATM! “Well all I am buying is a four-wheeler albeit meant for the handicapped but all I want to do is get from Point A to Point B! I am not buying some tacky, hideous monstrosity on eBay! It’s not like I am buying a piece of toast with some vague religious image for a small fortune.” “Be that as it may, think about us. What will our friends say?” they cried.

I retreated for the time being but the idea just would not go away. This status business was getting me down. “What will our friends say? What will society say?” I did not care! Honestly. And then I decided to go to my two friends, Pooja and Lillian at the office. As these ladies appear for the first time in my written word, they need an introduction. These ladies are not just ladies. They are tough young birds and they are my bodyguards! No, they are more than bodyguards. They guard me against agitating employees, disobedient vendors and nagging hunger pangs! They put up with my rants and raves, my screaming and tearing of hair! But they are no gentle ladies! They can dispense threats with a smile (have you had your lunch?) that would make a four-year old run for cover and they can give younger guys a run for their money when it comes to marital advice besides describing with precision what women want!

Despite being all that, I was sure that I could depend on them for support, these are my friends. They were my rocks and like Peter upon these rocks my belief was built! I placed my intentions before this Board and expected the resolution to be passed unanimously. I was wrong, so wrong. My intentions were greeted with stunned silence. Pooja checked my pulse and wondered when I last checked my blood pressure. Lillian gave me that withering look that she reserves for her son when he has been very, very naughty. She was flabbergasted and disappointed. “No, no, you buy a car, sir!” she cried. “And please do not buy a Nano, buy an Alto.” I was relieved. At least she did not say “flaming red Ferrari”.

So in the end status is everything. When one is young whatever one does embarrasses one’s family. When one is older whatever one does embarrasses the whole world! Everyone knows what is best for you, everyone has a pretty picture of you in their minds. But the idea would not just go away. It kept running around my brain like a Bollywood hero running around trees chasing his elusive heroine. I was determined to get on with it and purchase my beloved four-wheeler.

Except that there was an unexpected development that made me drop my plans. My maid got wind of my intentions and she declared that she would leave my employ. “Main naukri chodke chale jaoongi!” or something to that effect not necessarily in chaste Hindi. That was the last straw! In this city you cannot let that happen.

Now you can earn the displeasure of your family, you can earn the displeasure of your friends but you can never ever afford to earn the displeasure of your maid. Or pleasure for that matter.

Even minor celebrities who have paid dearly for their passion play would attest to that!