AUNT AGGIE

In India, everyone older than you is either Uncle or Aunty! Uncles are scary but aunts are always sugar and spice! There goes my gender bias again!  

AUNT AGGIE

Aunt Aggie went down to Australia

‘Cause India gave her piles and malaria.

For her malaria, they found a ready cure,

But her piles, they retained, they were so pure!

May have been the distance from home fires,

Not for her hardy outback men or English sires,

The fair city she chose was named Perth,

But Aussie men, she gave a wide berth!

The lady was not exactly looking for a man,

She preferred the fire, did not like the frying pan.

Until this big man came along, looking moreish,

Thereafter, only tender moments to cherish!

O! How she loved her Coke and Bacardi rum,

The concoction made her happy, that’s the sum.

But woe befell Maurice if he downed one too many

As sure as hell, it cost him more than a pretty penny!

In our climes, she could not resist delicious thali khana,

There is no doubt, this was living heavenly manna,

Existing down under, all sanitized, hygienic and good,

Out here, our cooks throw themselves into our food!

Now with her man gone, sitting in a comfortable home,

Thinking of ranges she once used to run free and roam, 

That sparkle in her eye still drives old men crazy,

And renders their knees weak and vision hazy!

Antonio

18^th March 2012

One of the singular pleasures of corporate life was the women I worked with! Men are so boring except when mixed with alcohol and too much of both is bad for health! If ever anyone tries to portray them as hardnosed, no-nonsense human beings, they are sadly mistaken. They display an uninhibited, unbridled range of emotions from tear to laughter and everything in between. Here's one with a fainting spell!  

INSIDE GRETA’S HEAD

 Voices from far, far away, shouting and screaming,

Is this really me or am I dreaming?

They are drowning me; did I miss a deadline?

Dear me! I feel like I stepped on a landmine!

They are cooing at me now, in my veins, arctic cold!

Seems like I am a helpless six-month old!

The morning train ride my energy did sap,

Wish they were silent, I need a quiet nap!

Wrapped in swaddling clothes, they anoint me with cooling oil.

Others are bringing water to a nasty boil!

I know these folks could not be any kinder

But they are burning my limbs to a cinder!

Scene Two brings two old seadogs, two experienced tars

Proclaiming cures for everything from here to sars!

About my medication they quiz, my blood count they do bandy,

I feel guilty; I don’t have my prescription handy!

Enter the professionals, they made it at last!

Delving deeper and deeper into my medical past!

Recommend that I rush home to repair and mend!

Hurrah! Can’t wait! Ahead, a long glorious weekend!

 Antonio

BROTHER ERLE’S TRAVELLING SALVATION SHOW

The monsoons are receding, moving out of Mumbai with their stock exit - all noise and bluster like an impotent street mob! Well, there is one mother of a monsoon season, any semi-conscious Mumbaikar (at that time) will never forget - the monsoon of 2005 specifically 26th July 2005. Everyone has their 26/7 story. Here is mine.

BROTHER ERLE’S TRAVELLING SALVATION SHOW

(to be sung to Neil Diamond’s Brother Love’s Travelling Salvation Show)

Brother Erle sat erect and white-knuckled at the wheel,

With an alert eye for some distance to steal,

He weaved through traffic with passionate zeal.

He was our ticket to a homemade meal!

The Eagles, they sang about taking it easy,

And even though our stomachs were queasy,

Sister Anita to my left and Brother Haydn to my right,

Sang the blues away with all their collective might!

Feigning ignorance, tomorrow the Chief M will ask the MC,

“What happened to your disaster scam?”

Forget them; we got no one but each other,

So who cares about them and their mother!

So let’s hold hands and move for our own sakes,

Brothers and sisters, its all about gives and takes,

Move on from these temporary heaven-made lakes,

And to hell with mealy-mouthed political fakes!

The heavens cried about their sordid mess.

We were mere pawns in this giant game of chess,

Reach out your hand to your neighbour and guess

Who is to blame and who is to bless!

Brother Erle stopped short and took stock

And turning a gentle eye, he counted his flock

Ankita and Anton, do not slip and forever sleep

For the vertically challenged, all waters run deep!

When the final struggle is taken at the flood

We acknowledge the Mumbai Spirit in our blood

All of them will stand up and salute our grit

‘Cause we moved together and never once split!

Chorus (to be sung after every verse, if required)

Brother Erle’s travelling; Brother Erle’s travelling salvation show,

Grab the old ropes; don’t give up your hopes,

‘Cause everyone knows, everyone knows

Brother Erle’s love shows

Alleluia, Alle Alleluia

(After last verse to be sung with a prolonged Amen)

Antonio

FOUR-WHEELER

FOUR-WHEELER

My heart was set on purchasing that four-wheel scooter specially designed for handicapped riders – the perfect vehicle for riding these city roads. With advancing age, I am losing my equilibrium on all fronts and that vehicle symbolised stability. What better way to negotiate the craters that dot our moonscape. Up and down and away I go!

So I put it to the First Lady. The direct approach is the best approach. No point in beating about the bush. She said, “I know that you have lost your mind! No need to advertise that fact to the whole world!” Not very encouraging words, ladies and gentlemen, my spouse! At least she did not threaten me with divorce but that is because after all these years, where will she go?

She, in turn, put it to the boys. They, in turn, were appalled, aghast and threatened to disown me. “We will have nothing to do with you! What will people say?” said the gentlemen who live in my house without paying rent, eat my food, drink my beer and think that I am a walking ATM! “Well all I am buying is a four-wheeler albeit meant for the handicapped but all I want to do is get from Point A to Point B! I am not buying some tacky, hideous monstrosity on eBay! It’s not like I am buying a piece of toast with some vague religious image for a small fortune.” “Be that as it may, think about us. What will our friends say?” they cried.

I retreated for the time being but the idea just would not go away. This status business was getting me down. “What will our friends say? What will society say?” I did not care! Honestly. And then I decided to go to my two friends, Pooja and Lillian at the office. As these ladies appear for the first time in my written word, they need an introduction. These ladies are not just ladies. They are tough young birds and they are my bodyguards! No, they are more than bodyguards. They guard me against agitating employees, disobedient vendors and nagging hunger pangs! They put up with my rants and raves, my screaming and tearing of hair! But they are no gentle ladies! They can dispense threats with a smile (have you had your lunch?) that would make a four-year old run for cover and they can give younger guys a run for their money when it comes to marital advice besides describing with precision what women want!

Despite being all that, I was sure that I could depend on them for support, these are my friends. They were my rocks and like Peter upon these rocks my belief was built! I placed my intentions before this Board and expected the resolution to be passed unanimously. I was wrong, so wrong. My intentions were greeted with stunned silence. Pooja checked my pulse and wondered when I last checked my blood pressure. Lillian gave me that withering look that she reserves for her son when he has been very, very naughty. She was flabbergasted and disappointed. “No, no, you buy a car, sir!” she cried. “And please do not buy a Nano, buy an Alto.” I was relieved. At least she did not say “flaming red Ferrari”.

So in the end status is everything. When one is young whatever one does embarrasses one’s family. When one is older whatever one does embarrasses the whole world! Everyone knows what is best for you, everyone has a pretty picture of you in their minds. But the idea would not just go away. It kept running around my brain like a Bollywood hero running around trees chasing his elusive heroine. I was determined to get on with it and purchase my beloved four-wheeler.

Except that there was an unexpected development that made me drop my plans. My maid got wind of my intentions and she declared that she would leave my employ. “Main naukri chodke chale jaoongi!” or something to that effect not necessarily in chaste Hindi. That was the last straw! In this city you cannot let that happen.

Now you can earn the displeasure of your family, you can earn the displeasure of your friends but you can never ever afford to earn the displeasure of your maid. Or pleasure for that matter.

Even minor celebrities who have paid dearly for their passion play would attest to that!

QUORUM

As you grow older, keep an open mind, reserve your judgment else end up like the Quorum! Be warned!

QUORUM

Four middle-aged ladies decided the bus was the best forum

To convene a society meeting, they had adequate quorum.

They were fed up with the liberal-minded managing committee

Who did their own bidding, leaving them fuming on the settee!

          The conductor came around asking for the correct fare,

          They snarled; gave the poor man an unhealthy scare.

          On their agenda, they arranged their serious causes

          And proceeded with single-minded purpose, no pauses!

Agenda Item 1 – Swinging call centre singles

They should not be allowed to stay; they are pretty little things,

Who are always having reckless, senseless, naughty little flings,

Keep them out; give them a cold, nasty, hardnosed reception,

After all, we gave birth through divine immaculate conception!

Agenda Item 2 – Irritating pets

        Down with those who have this crazy pet fetish,

          All those canines and felines make us skittish,

          What is so fascinating about the four-legged variety?

          That gives them goo-goo eyes; must check their sobriety!

Agenda Item 3 – Careless water users

Some hose their homes down every other week,

Causing the false ceilings, of those below, to leak, 

We should charge them penalty and double tax

For displaying behaviour so disastrously lax!

Agenda Item 4 – Illegal flat extensions

And some seek to push boundaries, flooring, walls,

As if they plan to perennially host New Year balls,

Knock them down, pulverize every bit of renovation

Blow them to smithereens, destroy their innovation!

Agenda Item 5 – Brazen condom users

And there are residents, who sow wild and casual oats,

They just should not light fires; we must burn their boats,

As with all raging fires, they consume with voracious haste,

And from their windows, discard their infernal carnal waste!

Agenda Item 6 – Non-payment of society dues

And there are those, for favours, stand in queues,

It is criminal the way they do not pay their dues.

They should be pilloried, drawn and quartered,

After that, they should be racked and slaughtered!

 Agenda Item 7 – Other gossiping old ladies

They sit every evening in our verdant society garden,

Gossiping about all and sundry without begging pardon,

We are not like them; our minds are spotlessly clean,

Not like those old witches, vicious and mean!

Agenda Item 8 – Pesky children

The little rascals run untamed, wild and amuck,

Sometimes they give us the bird and think we suck!

Their parents should be jailed for their manners,

If we had numbers, we would march with banners!

Meeting’s conclusion

Four middle-aged ladies gingerly got off the bus.

The world is changing, that’s why they raised a fuss.

Back in the old days, they might have had a host of lovers,

But they conducted their business strictly under covers!

Four middle-aged ladies gingerly got off the bus.

A spent force with no more strength to cuss,

They understood New Age had upset the applecart,

They wished they could participate and take part!

Antonio

SOMEONE SNEEZED

Hi Guys, Enough of the dark stuff. Here's a poem to cheer even the most dour church-goer! Some of you may have received this poem from me  before I started this blog but fun and joy do not suffer in the retelling!

SOMEONE SNEEZED

Someone sneezed in church today, that someone was me,

The stained-glass panes rattled, it was plain for all to see,

It started deep within my nostrils and rose to a crescendo,

The explosion was loud but innocent, without any innuendo!

The little girl next to me began with a light series of chuckles,

Chortling merrily, passed the infection to dress full of buckles,

Who passed it on to the fat lady gurgling with delightful mirth,

And shook, shook within the last inch of her gargantuan girth!

Soon the giggles, chortles and sniggers filled the entire church,

Prompting the preacher-man to peer from his marbled perch,

This is not done, blasphemy, this is the devil’s doing, he cried,

While I wished unseen catastrophe so I could have sunk and died!

The surly usher took charge, sidled up, harshly he did mock,

Keep your unhealthy sneeze in your hanky or your sock,

Told him to take a healthy hike or go fly a kinetic kite,

And out of spite, in his box, I placed a miserly widow’s mite!

But the disaster, unlike lightning, decided to strike twice,

I fought the second one back, rolled on the floor thrice,

While the choir sang its hallelujahs and praised every lord,

I lay still for it was a strange way to worship god!

Bless me, father, for I have gravely and grievously sinned,

In church, sneeze I will not, no promise on passing wind!

Antonio

REMEMBRANCE

Some of my readers were wondering about my alleged obsession with death as evidenced by the last couple of poems. As a matter of clarification, I am just speaking an inevitable truth. More importantly, the subject of death should serve as a reminder to how we live our lives. 

Steven Covey quite appropriately sums up living life - to live, to learn, to love and to leave a legacy. Just finished reading biographies of Steve Jobs and John Lennon, two individuals I admire, who seem to have fulfilled all conditions of the above mandate albeit with all the frailties that go with human nature. 

To dwell on the last part of the mandate - to leave a legacy, how can we achive this? By touching people's lives and maybe starting with those closest to us - our families, friends - those who we take for granted and hurt. It is easy to feel emphathy for the beggar in the street, the sick in the hospital, the mentally maimed, so long as they are just that - people at a distance, far removed from any direct impact on our lives. It is tougher to deal with those closer to home. and therein lies our means to leave a legacy. You may say I'm a dreamer.......

So here's an ode to one who left a legacy.....   

REMEMBRANCE

(to Constance Uncle for all those childhood years)

Wonder what it's like?

Never remembering, always forgetting!

Where do happy memories go?

And the sad ones too?

Do they hover at the edge of the universe?

Only to hurtle into the ink-black void of nothingness!

No, they do not!

They live in the heart’s portrait gallery,

a nameplate of burnished gold below

Illumined by the brightness

of noble thought and nobler deed,

and stay there.

Always remembered,

Never forgotten,

Forever touched!

                                                            Antonio

                                                            (Bunu Boy)